Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
worst night to have a conscience
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
