Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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