Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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