Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
