please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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