stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize