After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize