So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
