You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
