She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
