Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
