can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
