Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
