Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
