Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
