Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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