Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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