At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
