he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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