It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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