I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
