Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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