I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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