Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
is wine microwaveable?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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