Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
