My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
