Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
