There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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