well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
