If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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