I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
