I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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