so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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