the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
