Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
