im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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