I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
