Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
