I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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