I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
