I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
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