i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
