So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize