We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize