i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I could fuck to npr.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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