remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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