I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize