During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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