Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
