i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
