I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
