dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
