I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
